Published in Doctor Funny·2 days agoMember-onlyThings That Really Chap My AssYou’d probably feel the same way — Ice baths. In all of creation there is no more guaranteed way to get my butt cheeks good and raw than by soaking them in bitterly ice-cold water. Bareback horse riding. This works even better if the horse is also bareback. Hitting the beach in a scratchy 1890s woolen bathing…Comedy2 min readComedy2 min read
Published in Jane Austen’s Wastebasket·Nov 2, 2022Member-onlyFor All Alpha Rule-Busting Mavericks: The E-Bikers CodeLet’s roll — Riding electric doesn’t call to everyone. It carries a level of risk that few are willing to face. Most people today are quite simply afraid to diminish their social standing and overall attractiveness for the sake of effortless bicycle transportation. Against the grain of today’s distraction-filled society, it is only…Humor3 min readHumor3 min read
Published in Doctor Funny·Sep 30, 2022Member-onlyFive Reasons I’m Divorcing My DishwasherI just have to unload — Conflicting Values Call me a traditionalist, but I believe each appliance has been designed by its creator to perform certain functions. A dishwasher should wash the dishes and not complain about it. It’s really that simple. But now that role is no longer enough for you. Somehow, you’ve acquired all…Humor3 min readHumor3 min read
Published in MuddyUm·Sep 7, 2022Member-onlyBeyond the LabradoodleThe quest for an even more marketable dog — No one ever said the puppy-making business would be easy. It’s extremely competitive. To get to the top of the kennel club requires extraordinary talent and relentless focus. Maintaining that alpha position, as we call it, is even harder. It takes a special breed. I was a middle-of-the-pack member of…Dogs4 min readDogs4 min read
Published in Slackjaw·Aug 23, 2022Member-onlySpa Treatments For Your Languishing ManuscriptBecause every novel deserves a little pampering — Why not rejuvenate your dispirited draft novel with a sumptuous spa experience? Let go of all self-doubt and allow your struggling manuscript to luxuriate in one of our classic offerings. Or better yet, splurge on the whole menu: Instead of battering your story with more revisions, reserve a session at…Humor4 min readHumor4 min read
Published in The Haven·Jul 22, 2022Member-onlySeven Incredibly Valid Reasons Not to Pick Up the Droppings on Your Neighbors’ LawnFind out if any of them apply to you — Incredibly valid reason #1: You don’t own a dog. You’ve never owned a dog. You are not responsible. Incredibly valid reason #2: You do own a dog, but that pile did not come from your dog. You are not responsible. Incredibly valid reason #3: You are responsible. You are truly…Dogs2 min readDogs2 min read
Published in MuddyUm·Jun 28, 2022Member-onlyUpdates to TSA Procedural ManualNew regulations for pre-born passengers — Effective immediately, airport security agents will implement the following measures to ensure proper screening of all pre-born flyers, including fetuses, zygotes, cell clusters, and fertilized eggs. Pre-born passengers must have a valid boarding pass issued in their own name. No exceptions. The 3.4 ounce carry-on limit for liquids applies to…Travel2 min readTravel2 min read
Published in Slackjaw·Jun 20, 2022Member-onlyProtect Your Personal Information: Put It On My TwitterWe all have our secrets — When you were younger, you may have posted regrettable or worse stuff on social media. Or you cheated on a few trigonometry tests. The college consultant your parents hired may have actually written all your application essays. Perhaps your misdeeds are even more concerning. You might be embezzling, having an…Humor3 min readHumor3 min read
Published in MuddyUm·Jun 8, 2022Member-onlyRepublican Politicians Could Turn Into BrassieresOur society faces even greater cleavages — Red-state governors and legislators have been undergoing a stunning series of mutations, far beyond what political scientists have predicted, creating the frightening possibility that they could transform themselves into ladies’ intimate apparel. Once that happens, women will no longer decide when, or whether, to wear a bra. …Politics3 min readPolitics3 min read
Published in MuddyUm·May 4, 2022Member-onlyAn Open Letter to People Writing Open Letters to MacKenzie ScottGratuitous commentary with no expectation of a gratuity — You have a worthy cause. Perhaps the worthy cause is you. In any case, you’ve identified a need, and you’re planning to seek support from MacKenzie Scott, who is among the richest and most generous people of all time. You probably realize you are far from alone. As one of…Money3 min readMoney3 min read
