Published in MuddyUm·May 4An Open Letter to People Writing Open Letters to MacKenzie ScottGratuitous commentary with no expectation of a gratuity — You have a worthy cause. Perhaps the worthy cause is you. In any case, you’ve identified a need, and you’re planning to seek support from MacKenzie Scott, who is among the richest and most generous people of all time. You probably realize you are far from alone. As one of…Money2 min read
Published in The Haven·Apr 26When You Place a Stone on Top of Another StoneThe question is: why? — Alrighty then, you’ve gotten yourself out of the house, all the way to a California beach, or Rocky Mountain National Park, or an Inca trail in Peru, or a Buddhist temple in the Cambodian highlands. …Travel3 min read
Published in Jane Austen’s Wastebasket·Apr 4My Video Went VirileNothing’s the same anymore — I sure never expected something like this from the cute little clip of me dancing around in my new bike shorts. But, a few pixels at a time, and then all at once, the entire background turned plaid. The music became a deep thumping chant. When I first uploaded it…Satire3 min read
Published in MuddyUm·Feb 24Apparently, I’m the Last Person Still Playing WordleIt’s still just as fun without you — Most of you just slunk away. For a hot minute, you were riding the crest of the wave. Posting results daily with chest-puffing pride or rueful chagrin, depending on the outcome. All the while quick as a fox to whip out a huffy “No spoilers!” to any and all transgressors. …Games2 min read
Published in Jane Austen’s Wastebasket·Jan 16In Conversation with Ruffles about Her Splashy DebutGenerating buzz, not only from flies — Moderator: Tulip Park’s featured artist this month is hometown dog Ruffles, whose pungently honest creations have been generating intense local interest. We’re here to discuss her recently-released debut, “Uncollected.” Ruffles: I’m so honored. Ruff! M: Everyone, please feel free to sit on the grass. It’s safe, right Ruffles? R: Yes…Satire3 min read
Published in The Haven·Dec 22, 2021LovebirdsAn episode sure to ruffle your feathers — I storked out an outdoor table along the rail. Phoebe was late for our first date, a myna offense which I forgave as soon as she showed up in a teal blazer. Toucan play at that game, I thought, as I subtly revealed mango socks above my martins. She seemed…Dating3 min read
Published in Slackjaw·Dec 12, 2021Why I CarryI’d feel naked without it — You’re asking about the log slung across my shoulders? Hardwood. American elm. From right here in the U.S.A. Your basic six-footer. Got a problem with it? Didn’t think so. Most people don’t. Except on crowded subways, or if I’m at a ballgame and it’s blocking the view of the fans…Humor3 min read
Published in Greener Pastures Magazine·Dec 10, 2021Discarded Names for PickleballIt could have been far worse — Pickleball1 min readIllustration by authorDiscarded Names for PickleballIt could have been far worse----
Published in MuddyUm·Nov 30, 2021Infrastructure Innuendo is TrendingIt’s time to capitalize — Pundits say infrastructure isn’t sexy, but that’s why they’re pundits instead of people with active, fulfilling social lives. Meanwhile, out in the bars and clubs, in the online dating world, and in gyms and organized protests across the country, infrastructure-themed come-ons are hot. But, like with anything, there’s a right…Sex2 min read
Published in Humor Darling·Nov 15, 2021An Open Letter From Concerned Neighborhood LawnsAn Open Letter From Concerned Neighborhood Lawns Dear Weedpatch, or as you refer to yourself, “Meadow,” The Lawns of Foxfire Lane would like to remind you that this area is zoned residential. Don’t expect the rest of us to lie down and do nothing while you pretend to be your own little nature preserve. This isn’t the…Satire2 min read
